Exit planning: money, housing, evidence and safety
Leaving is not one conversation. When savings are thin, housing depends on the other person and the evidence is in their hands, preparation matters more than a dramatic confrontation.
Safety comes before the plan
The first question is not how much money you need but whether you are safe today. If there has been hitting, stalking, confinement, a weapon or a threat such as 'try leaving and see', deal with today first.
In immediate danger, leave, go somewhere public and call 110. Do not return for belongings or agree to one last private talk. If you cannot leave yet, set an emergency contact, tell one trusted person your movements and pack a bag you can carry out.
Money: build cash only you can reach
Long-term support can leave you short of ready cash rather than income. Start with hundreds or a few thousand, aiming for one to three months of rent, food, transport and medicine, in an account the other person cannot reach.
Avoid sudden large transfers, which invite questions and may later be called hiding assets. If your income depends entirely on them, restore one independent stream, even a small one, before you negotiate.
Housing: answer 'where will I sleep tonight?'
Housing is the most underestimated part of leaving. List three options: a trusted friend or relative, a short-term rental or hostel, and a local shelter or placement service. Call ahead about booking, length of stay and children.
If the home is rented in their name or they have a key, staying is not an exit plan. Change the lock if you can; if not, be ready to leave at short notice. Do not let a new address leak through shared friends, delivery apps or parcel labels.
Documents and essentials
ID, passport, bank cards, social security card, certificates, medical records, lease and employment contract matter more than clothes and gifts. Keep originals where only you can find them, and store scans in your own email or encrypted cloud account.
Valuables are not the priority. Do not go back for jewellery or bags while the other person is angry. If a pet is coming, prepare a carrier, vaccination record and temporary boarding in advance. If documents are withheld, ask the police for help and consult the relevant office about replacement.
Evidence: back it up, do not display it
Keep records of the arrangement and of threats: transfers, rent and spending receipts, messages admitting a marriage or promising support, and voice notes threatening exposure or cutting you off.
Keep two copies, one encrypted in the cloud and one on a drive or old phone they cannot access. Preserve original chats with time and account visible; record only calls you take part in. Do not post the material online to prove your side; give it to a lawyer, the police or a court.
Accounts, devices and location
Check accounts, devices and location. Change passwords for messaging, payment, email, cloud photos and social media, and turn on two-factor authentication. Review logged-in devices and sign out unfamiliar ones.
Check location sharing, family tracking, device-finding and automatic backups. If they can see your real-time location, no temporary address is safe. Never forward a verification code; use a phone number and email you control. If you suspect monitoring software, change passwords from another device and ask a professional to check.
Tell one trusted person
People who have kept a relationship secret often have no friend who knows the whole story. You need one person who knows where you are and when to check in, not an audience.
Choose someone who will not judge, can keep a secret and can act in an emergency. Agree on a daily message, a call if you do not reply, and a phrase meaning 'I cannot speak now'. Say what you need today: a bed, help moving, or company at the police station.
When threats start
Threats may include exposure to family or employers, publishing photos, reporting you at work, cutting support or eviction. The aim is usually to pull you back, not to destroy both sides.
Stop paying and stop trading 'one more meeting' for deletion. Keep the full record: account, time, content and any payment demand. Call the police or a lawyer; do not negotiate alone.
For immediate danger call 110. The 12338 women's rights hotline explains support options, and 12348 covers public legal services and legal aid. If there is assault, stalking or restriction of movement, ask about a personal safety protection order or a shelter.
A today, this week, this month plan
- Today: Confirm where you will sleep. Pack ID, medicine, a charger and some cash. Tell one trusted person.
- Today: Change passwords for messaging, payment and email. Turn off location sharing.
- This week: Open a separate account and deposit what you can. Put transfers and threats into a timeline.
- This week: Confirm two temporary places and one person who can accompany you. Save 12338, 12348 and a shelter number.
- This month: Restore an income stream. Sort out rent, insurance, medical care and children. See a lawyer about property and debts if needed.
- Ongoing: Do not confront alone. Tell someone where each meeting is. If threats escalate, call the police.
Common questions
Can I leave with no savings?
Yes, but housing and food must be solved first. Start with a friend's spare room, temporary work or local assistance. Lack of money does not mean you have to stay.
What if they threaten to expose me?
Keep the threat, do not pay and do not negotiate alone. Report it, consult a lawyer and prepare a plan for what you will do if private material spreads.
Can I go back for my things later?
Try to move everything at once, with police or a friend present. Do not return alone if there has been violence or stalking.
English edition, condensed and adapted from the Chinese original · Get help by situation · In-depth guides · Disclaimer